Religious Jokes...

Some days it's hard to find anything humorous going on in the world. I can typically take a mundane situation and find something funny about it....like when Ted Cruz was in the middle of his speech when the 'booing' started. We know what he was saying but what was he thinking? Maybe his thoughts were "Well, that was stupid. How am I gonna dig myself out of this one? Sure wish I had gone potty before getting on stage." We don't know. It could have been what he was thinking.

I try to not get all stressed and out of shape when things go wrong. You have to visit the valleys in order to really appreciate and enjoy the mountains. With the news broadcasts daily showering us with "Republican this" and "Democrat that", it's easy to let yourself get caught up in the drama. You need to do the best you can, pray for wisdom, and vote for your candidate of choice. Try to not lock yourself into a party vote but support the best candidate. Well, enough about politics. I promised myself when I started this blog I wouldn't use it for political purposes. A person has to really work at finding the humor in politics....and I'm just too lazy to look for it.

Now it's easy to find funny stuff in religion. Sometimes the humor is subtle. Sometimes it slaps you right up the side of the head. I'm not talking about doctrine. I would need to start another blog to tell you about my faith...and I'm thinking about doing that. But this platform is for humor. What could be funnier than church stories?

When I was about eight and my brother Glenn was six we always looked forward to visits from our cousins, Jamie and Donnie. These two guys were the funniest people I had ever known. I could write a really long story about "Jamie-isms" but I'll do that later. What we enjoyed most was their combined ability to remember every joke they had ever heard....and they were always happy to pass them on to us. Generally after we were sent to bed for the night the show would start. Glenn and I laughed so hard we were constantly getting into trouble and told to "GO TO SLEEP IN THERE!"

One Sunday morning we had a hard time getting up and ready for church. We were so tired from laughing into the wee hours of the morning. I asked Donnie to please not tell me anymore jokes until after church. He just grinned. When we got there I asked him again to please not tell any jokes during church. His comment to me was, "Rusty, what kind of sinner do you think I am to be telling jokes during church?" He said this with such a weird look on his face that I started laughing. We made it okay during the song service but as soon as our preacher, Joe R. got up to preach Donnie leaned over and whispered, "Hey, I got a joke for you." Now, let me explain the situation. For some really stupid reason Jamie, Donnie, Glenn, and I were on the front row right in front of the preacher. Joe R. was a "hell and brimstone" speaker and really got into his talk. My uncle Frog had been coaxed to church by my mom that morning and was sitting behind us....and Donnie decided to tell me a joke.

I begged Donnie to not tell me a joke during church. He told me it was okay because it was a "religious" joke. That alone started my uncontrolled giggling...you know what I'm talking about. It was one of those "hey I'm in church and shouldn't be laughing" giggles that just won't stop even if you hold your breath. Anyway, the giggles were full blown, which got Glenn giggling and Jamie and Donnie smiling like Cheshire cats. About that time preacher Joe slammed his hand down on the pulpit and told the crowd they needed to repent or face the fiery lake of hell. Full blown laughing erupted from my throat. I was embarrassed, Glenn was turning red holding his breath, Donnie was laughing, and (unknown to me at the time) my mom was....seething...yeah, that sounds like the right description. I got it stopped finally and took a deep breath. Preacher Joe had given me several serious looks before I got the laughter under control. I figured he was sending me to that fiery hell in his mind. Okay, it gets worse.....

As soon as I stopped laughing Donnie leaned back in and TOLD ME THE JOKE!!!! I won't tell it now but it involved an old time preacher, a kid, candles, and matches. It was already funny and he hadn't even got to the punchline! When he did get to the punchline, which was a sing-song "And the rats pee'ed on the matches", I completely lost it. I held my breath but the laughter came out my sealed lips in the form of spit. My shoulders were bouncing and I was doing everything I could to keep from doing my own peeing. Glenn was turning red and holding himself (you know where and why). Jamie and Donnie were sitting there piously listening to the sermon.

After church, but just before my mom grabbed me by the ear and dragged me out of the building, my uncle Frog told me, "You boys embarrassed me so much I doubt I'll ever be able to go to church again". As far as I know he didn't...sorry uncle Frog...but if you had heard the joke you would have laughed too.