I realize my stories are beginning to show up slower than I promised but I'm afraid I'm running out of stories to tell.....well, that's not entirely true. I have lots more stories I could tell....like the blind date I set up for my cousin who was so homely (the date, not my cousin) that he ran off the porch when she opened the door...but I won't tell that. Or, I could tell about passing out on a hanging bridge in Colorado because of my fear of heights only to be saved by my lovely wife...but that's too embarrassing. I could make stuff up because I have a vivid imagination but then the stories wouldn't be the same. I do have one more embarrassing story to tell about myself and then I'll just have to wait to do something else stupid before writing again.
It's a true fact that someone in either my dad's, or my mother's family suffered from a nervous stomach, spastic colon, or some other like condition. I know this because my sister, Cindy, and I both inherited the gene. I only got a small inheritance which rears its ugly head occasionally but poor old Cindy got the bulk of the estate. I wanted to tell a story linked to this endearing quality but I thought it best to check with my editor (Debbie) first. We met over coffee this morning and discussed the best way to tell the story. The editor suggested strongly that I not use the word diarrhea in my story. I should instead phrase it like "a bit of sickness". I agree I shouldn't say diarrhea but her suggestion seemed too burdensome, so I decided to substitute the word "discomfort" for the word diarrhea, which I shouldn't write on public media. Once we figured out how to eliminate the word diarrhea from the story I was all set to go....no pun intended.
Cindy and her husband, Mike, had been transferred to Colorado Springs with the Army. He was an Army captain with the dangerous duty of examining eyes. It was a beautiful setting. When Debbie and I went to visit them it was my first time to see Colorado. I fell in love immediately however, the change in altitude did something to my system and I just didn't feel right for several days. Toward the end of our stay the four of us went north to Denver for sightseeing and other tourist related stuff (I tried to say "tourister stuff" but spellcheck wouldn't allow it). We had dinner at a Mexican restaurant before heading back down I-25 toward Colorado Springs. Mike was driving and everyone was having a great time....except me. I kept having a gurgling sensation in my stomach. It continued to get worse until I finally asked Mike to take the next exit so I could find a restroom. He agreed and immediately forgot my request until I strongly urged him again to pull over as soon as possible. I guess I said this in such a high-pitched frantic way that it scared him and he put the pedal to the floor looking for an exit. Before an exit came up I yelled, "I am about to have DISCOMFORT! Get off the road!" He saw an exit and literally flew off the highway, squealing all four tires as he slid into a gas station. I was out of the car before it came to a complete stop and ran as fast as I could. I bolted through the door of that restroom and locked the door in a nanosecond and hit that stall like a freight train.
The next few minutes were a blur but that stall sounded like a pentecostal revival with all the praying and begging for Jesus to come going on. For a good twenty minutes I pulled my hair, broke out in a sweat, ripped off my shirt, and yelled like a female screech owl during mating season. There were three hairline fractures to the toilet bowl and the lights flickered on and off. Finally things calmed down and as I caught my breath, unwrapped my shirt from around my head and opened my eyes.....I saw pink floor tiles....matching pink wall tiles....matching NO URINAL anywhere in sight. I had run into the women's restroom. I said "oh discomfort! What have I done?" Surely nobody will notice me this late in the night. I'll just put my shirt back on, wash up, and quietly sneak out....which I did....to about fourteen women in various states of despair waiting for me to come out. I could see Debbie, Cindy, and Mike in the car laughing uncontrollably like this was funny or something. I apologized to the ladies for making them wait and suggested they continue to wait a few minutes before going in....
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