.....I promise, this is my last post boring you all with my ailments from the past two years. I've gone full circle now and a very patient physical therapist is trying to whip me back into shape after nearly two years of either sitting on my backside or falling on my face. After a particularly difficult workout yesterday he told me I absolutely have to help him in this long trek to make me workable again. I argued that I am faithfully doing all the exercises I've been assigned twice daily.....well, sometimes I do most of them twice daily and sometimes I do a few of them when I remember but, I DO at least think of them twice daily. He said, "Never the less Mr. Mihills, (he calls me Mr. Mihills when he's frustrated with me...he calls me Mr. Mihills a lot it seems) you have got to do more. You need daily aerobic training." While struggling to maintain a serious expression on my face, I frantically tried to remember what "aerobic" meant. I knew it was something I had always laughed at and never considered for myself...so, I sat staring blank-faced at him as if I were in shock.
After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence the therapist continued. "You need to be out walking daily." I told him I had tried to walk but until I had some stamina I would walk until I had to stop and then call my wife to come get me or, if on a treadmill, fell off. He came back with, "Okay then, you need to ride a bike daily." I told him both my wife and doctor would not allow me to ever get on another bike because of my previous head injuries. Not to be discouraged...or maybe not to be defeated he came back with, "Excellent! You must go to the pool and swim for thirty minutes three times a week!" Rather than give him another excuse as to why I couldn't do that particular aerobic exercise, I just said, "Okay". I didn't have the heart to tell him I don't know how to swim.
I actually did go through the motions of learning how to swim during my sophomore year in college. I took swimming as a PE credit with thoughts of splashing around, doing cannon-balls, and holding my breath as long as I could...you know, the stuff kids do at pools. I did not think for a minute that this class was actually for swimming swimming...real swimming. I thought it was an easy credit to round out my need for one more PE course. On the first day of class I was shocked to find a real swimming coach wearing a real life-guard badge on a real swim suit, and sporting a shiny and very shrill whistle. To make the situation even worse, this coach was a woman! A very stern looking woman, built like a well-trained Marine.
This coach, who I will simply refer to as "Coach" rather than constantly spelling out her complete name of "Coach Lucrecia McEvil", yelled for everyone to get into the pool and show her what we could do. Since nearly all of us were as dumb as me we did jump but then stood in the shallow end not wanting to show her how we could splash, do cannon-balls, or hold our breath. We were all old enough to know that would not impress Coach. A couple of brown-nosing idiots did try to swim but dropped like rocks and nearly drowned before Coach fished them out with the "Hook". Coach was very happy. She had a whole class of new clay to mold into Olympic swimmers by the end of the semester....if we survived.
Now I know I may come across as stupid in many of my stories. This is because I have spent a lot of my life stupid. But signing up for a swimming class just to get an easy college PE credit to finish up my sophomore year ranks right up there with the biggies as far as stupid goes. The only other stupid that comes close was when I was called in after I had applied for graduation and told I was three hours short to graduate. I needed an elective and most available classes were already full. Rather than delay graduation I signed up for calculus...seriously. I didn't even know how to spell calculus but I did not want to delay my graduation another semester so I signed up for, as an elective...calculus. I did pass it but my GPA took a bit of a hit. Anyway, that swimming course nearly caused me to start my "junior year" of college one hour short of actually being a "junior". It nearly caused me to sport an F in a physical education course. Shoot, it nearly killed me!
Coach was merciless. She drove us hard in that pool. I never knew a person could sweat in a swimming pool but sweat we did! By the end of that semester most of us had overcome our fear of water and could take a bath without someone standing guard outside the door. We could all shower and enjoy it. Some of us could actually say we could "swim" if we were asked...as long as we didn't have to prove it. Unfortunately for us, we did have to prove it to Coach. Our last day of class was our final for the semester. Pass it and go home with an A on your record. Fail it and go home with an F, no credit, humiliation, and the promise to never come near her pool again.
The test would have been a cakewalk had it been written, or even oral....but N-O-O-O. Coach insisted we take our test in the pool. Each one of us had to swim the length of the pool however we chose as long as we didn't drown. Then we had to climb out, go to the high dive and jump off, swim back over to the lanes and then swim back to her on our backs. If we could do that we would pass the course. I may have never mentioned this before but I am deathly afraid of deep water. I am so afraid of deep water I never go swimming, or even ride in a boat for fear I might somehow wind up in water over my head. The only fear I have worse than deep water is heights. In this test I had to overcome two fears at one time. I had to climb about a hundred feet in the air, walk out on a tiny little board about six inches across, and then jump...willingly into water that I knew had no bottom. This actually made the first step of the test easy for me because I was so focused on climbing the ladder to that high board I didn't give my swimming the length of the pool a second thought. It seemed like in just seconds I was across that pool and climbing out. I climbed out of the pool and walked as slowly as humanly possible without being declared dead to the ladder leading to that board so very, very high up there...way up there....higher than any man should be asked to go. At one point I froze on the ladder and had to be prompted by Coach's whistle to "hustle on up there Mihills...people are waiting!"
I got to the platform finally and couldn't even look down. I was so far up I couldn't believe it. How did I get myself in this situation? I graciously allowed every swimmer arriving at the platform to go ahead and do their jump before me. I didn't mind waiting. Finally, I was the last idiot on the platform. The whistle blew. I heard, "Get on the board Mihills!" I inched my way out thinking I might throw up before making it to end of that death board. I heard, "Move it Mihills. We don't have all day!" Actually I did have all day and I didn't much appreciate being rushed. I made it to the edge and looked down. I could not jump. I couldn't. My body was frozen in place. I heard that whistle blowing and non-coherent yelling going on but all my mind was registering was HIGH and DEEP! The good Lord finally slapped me up the side of the head and told me I was embarrassing Him and I needed to get moving. I heard the shrill whistle reach a new and improved octave and Coach trying out a new and scary growl, "Mihills, if you don't come off that board right now I'm coming up there to push you off!" I jumped....I fell forever it seemed before I hit the water then I sank probably three hundred feet at least. I frantically used every swimming technique I had learned and scrambled back up to air. I was so excited to have done the impossible...that was until I remembered I had to swim back to that miserable old woman on my back.
Coach yelled for me to get on with it and swim back to her on my back. I never mastered any part of swimming but I especially never mastered swimming on my back. People, including both sons and all eight grandchildren, tell me swimming on my back is the easiest way to swim. I say to them "NUH UH!" When I try to swim on my back I automatically propel myself to the bottom of the pool but I was not going to fail this test now. I had mastered the high board for crying out loud. I pushed off and successfully got about six feet away from the edge of the pool before I started sinking. I fought my way back up, grabbed a lungful of air and repeated the process over and over until I was about to the middle of the pool. I was completed worn out. Coach mercifully blew the whistle and yelled, "Mihills, you passed! Get out of the pool before you drown!" I was so happy. I was so tired. I sank to the bottom of the pool....and walked to the side so I could graciously pull myself out and get to my next class.
So, today I get to experience swimming again. I am going to use Cody and Cayce's pool. I have made them promise no one will be out there to watch me and no cameras will be going. I do suspect though that Cayce will have someone hidden to make sure I don't drown. Cayce seems to want me to live longer for some reason and watches over me even more than Debbie. I don't even own a swimsuit so before the humiliation of going to their pool, I have to go through the humiliation of buying a swimsuit....oh, and a large towel.....some cheap sandals...sunscreen.....probably a lifesaving device disguised as a toy for the pool. Oh yeah, I need to check with our lawyer to make sure my will is up to date. I hope to be able to write again.....no promises....
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