Bert Catches Up...

 Hi Frank,

I figured I owed you an update on life in Fort Davis. I haven't run into any more rattlesnakes but one big old bullsnake took a few years off my life when I stepped on him out by the garage. The rule is "you leave bullsnakes alone because they eat rats". Well I'm here to tell you I left that snake alone because it nearly scared the pee, waddle, and doo out of me. He slithered off on his own eventually. I don't know if I'm going to be real comfortable out here if I see many more snakes. You know I hate snakes! At least that monster tarantula hasn't been around anymore. 

I finally got all my stuff delivered from UPS. It cost me a small fortune to get everything delivered that I couldn't fit into that old Chevy pickup. I feel like I've finally settled into my new "home" now. I even tried my hand at cooking myself a meal last night. More about that later.

I made my first run to the grocery store this week. It's a little bit easier buying for just one....depressing and all but at least I got two years experience shopping while I was caring for Velma. I did my shopping at the Stone Village Market. It sure wasn't a Super Walmart but I found everything I thought I needed. Nice people at the store...friendly and helpful but I will have some fear the next time I go there. As soon as I got there and picked up a cart I noticed an elderly lady struggling with her heavy cart. I offered to help her get her groceries to the car and I think she thought more of it than I intended. She is evidently one of the wealthy widows in town. Her car was a sleek, new black Cadillac. There wasn't a spot of dust on it so I assume she could afford for someone to keep it clean for her. I've found it impossible to keep dust off my truck. Anyway, I pushed her cart for her and then put all the bags in the trunk of the car. She stood by constantly thanking me, like it was a real treat to have someone help her like that. I think she fell in love with me right there in the parking lot. Before I could get away from her I had to turn down a five dollar tip, suffer through an uncomfortable hug, and a quick kiss on the cheek. Then she told me she wanted to have me over for dinner sometime soon. I may have to move to Marfa! 

I got home from the store and it was already getting dark. I didn't really want to go out to eat dinner again because to tell the truth, I'm putting on a few pounds already. I decided to cook up my Sunday night special I used to make for Velma and me. I opened up a can of tomato soup and got it going then heated up an old cast iron frying pan I found in the pantry. (Someone is probably wondering what happened to their prized frying pan.) This kitchen isn't anything like what we had back home. It's laid out all wrong for me but I reckon I'll get used to it. I didn't pack a lot of Velma's kitchen stuff. Most of it sold in my moving sale but I did keep one long-handled ladle. I had it resting in the soup pot while I got my grilled cheese put together. I remembered I needed to stir that soup and reached over to the ladle. That ladle was closer than I realized and I hit that handle causing a whole ladle filled with hot tomato soup to fly out of the pot, on to the floor....and the cabinet door...and my shirt and jeans. I even found some on my socks.  I got the mess all cleaned up and grilled my sandwich without burning it. When I went to get a plate for the sandwich I hit that cotton-picking ladle handle again and had a repeat performance of the evening's entertainment. I couldn't believe I did that. I sat down and ate my sandwich with a few Fritos, cleaned up the mess...and myself again, and tossed that long-handled ladle in the trash. I hope there's a Dollar Store here in town cause that was my only kitchen utensil. I had to toast the grilled cheese using my pocketknife.....and had I successfully heated up a pot of tomato soup I would have discovered I also didn't have a spoon....or soup bowl. I guess I better make up another shopping list and get some basics bought before I try to cook again. I don't think I'm going to like cooking on a regular basis. I'm glad the cafe is close and open seven days a week. 

It's kind of depressing rereading this before sending it. It hasn't been a stellar week for me. I'll write again soon...when I might actually have something to write about. I hope you and Irma are well. I would sure like to have a visit whenever you can get away....just let me know you're coming and I'll buy an extra can of soup! Ha

Y'all take care, Bert

  ----

Note from the editor: I told Russell it was okay, and not entirely crazy, to have imaginary friends but to not get too carried away with stories about them. I said, "your readers didn't start reading your stories because they were imagined. You need to stay true to your roots and include a story about your past on a regular basis so you won't lose anyone." He thanked me for my insight and wisdom and said we'd go out for Mexican food tonight!! Yay!!