Monday, July 18, 2016

Tongue in cheek...

First of all, thanks for my three new followers!!! I hope you don't regret signing on after you read this entry. It's just a thought I had while driving through the...uh....more affluent area of town to my north. I have to go through this part of town regularly because I live just along the border between poor people like me and rich people like the homeowners in the above-mentioned neighborhood. I am not a resident and therefore have no member handbook on how to behave in this exclusive area of town. After living here for many years and because I have to make more and more trips into this Promised Land, I have finally figured out all the rules for getting along where I'm not welcome and certainly not wanted. If you will follow these strict, yet simple rules you will be able to maneuver through the area without drawing undo attention to yourself.

1. All pickup drivers are idiots. Avoid them when possible. Snub them when you must.
2. All vehicles must be spotlessly clean, even in inclement weather.
3. Larger vehicles have the right of way unless said vehicle is less valuable than a Lexus.
4. Lexus drivers always have the right of way. (Special note here: Most BMW drivers incorrectly assume a higher ranking in the order of things. Mind your manners BMW owners or you will be asked to upgrade to something nice.)
5. Drive slowly through all neighborhoods. This is not for the safety of our children. They are too special to play outside. Drive slowly so we can stare at you and make you aware of your lower station.
6. Stay away from neighborhoods unless you have been invited by a resident. This is not a difficult rule to follow because all neighborhoods are gated and guarded by retired Navy Seals, none of which can afford to actually live here.
7. If you are invited to visit our town, have the courtesy to at least rent an acceptable vehicle for the trip. It has been reported that an outsider actually drove a twenty year old pickup, with dents AND rust through our neighborhood. The police have been informed and an APB is out.
8. Four way stop signs are mere suggestions for the residents. Be aware and proceed with extreme caution. BMW drivers won't see you.
9. Roundabouts were designed for the residents. They are not for the outsiders enjoyment. Find alternate routes or else you will be stared at with animosity by all Lexus drivers having to wait for you. BMW drivers won't see you.
10. If you try to go through the neighborhood in an American made vehicle, it absolutely must be the largest box ever designed for the road. Any American vehicle other than this is an obvious sign of outsider wannabees.

I hope these rules help you along the way. I also hope no one has been offended. If you have, I apologize and promise to keep my pickup on the poor side of town.

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