Let's see, in last week's episode the spiffy young college kids were racing down the mountain road when they realized the bridge was washed out! Too late to stop, they plunged.....oh wait, that's a different cliff hanger. Oh yeah, our young hero was realizing the little "hoopie" his dad had bought for all the kids to learn to drive in might possibly be something of a collector's item so no more crashing it into other old wrecks when the brakes failed! That was probably the first major lesson I learned during my tenure at Foodway. Of course the very first thing I learned was to never put the eggs in the sack first. That was such a no-brainer I don't even count it as a learned lesson.
I learned another valuable lesson shortly after going to work at Foodway. In fact, I learned it within about thirty minutes into my first shift. That lesson was 'rank has it's privileges'. The people with rank above me were two clowns who were seniors in high school. One I'll call Buford. Buford was an idiot and took great pride in his idiocy. I'm sure he practiced his down home Texas accent at night until it was perfected. He never let a word slip out of his mouth unless it was fouled in some way with crudeness. He was definitely a proud Texas boy. The other kid I'll call Barbie Ken. Okay, I'll just call him Ken because I'll get tired of writing Barbie Ken over and over but in your mind's eye picture Barbie's perfect boyfriend Ken and you will get a glimpse of how this guy saw himself. I do admit Ken was a darn good-looking guy but sadly he knew it better than anyone else.
These guys had advanced up the corporate ladder from sack boy, to fill-in cashier, to full fledged stocker....complete with the fancy price stamper thingy in one back pocket and a feather duster proudly sticking out of the other back pocket. Occasionally Buford and Ken would be called to the front to help run a register or sack groceries. They did not like this and they always let the lowly sackers know about it. They made life miserable for us during and after this rudeness shown to them. As all of you know, I'm just about the nicest guy in the world so I never let any of this misery get to me. I let it slide right off my shoulders. I did not let it build up inside where it became a hideous growth of pulsating hate...really...no really.
One Saturday not long after I started at Foodway the store was packed and the front was going crazy. The manager kept calling Buford and Ken to help up front and every time he did those boys got more and more sadistic in their paybacks. I had one customer who must have been having a big party because it was all I could do to load all her groceries onto the cart to haul them out to her car. I was having a fit because of the weight even though Buford had graciously helped me load the cart up. Remember me telling you about the hill? The hill was a problem when the cart was heavy. This lady walked out to a little light blue Ford and popped the trunk. I started to load her groceries and looked up to see the cart heading down the hill toward Pipeline Road. I ran after it and grabbed it but because Buford had hung her pack of Pepsi's out on the edge of the cart, when the cart stopped the Pepsi's kept going. Twelve bottles of Pepsi went in twelve different directions. I impressed myself with my speed in catching all of them and getting them back in the little cardboard crate. As I politely put them in her trunk she told me I could just get in there and get her another 12-pack. As I pushed the cart and the ruined Pepsi's up to the front door I saw Buford and Ken laughing their miserable little heads off.
My head swelled with pride the day Buford asked the assistant manager if Mihills could help them unload the stock truck. This was a job only the top guys got to do so I felt I finally measured up. The assistant manager (who I had to use all kinds of restraint to not refer to as the Ass Man) agreed to let me help. I didn't know he was in on their sadistic plan. The truck came in and the rollers were set up. I thought it odd that the rollers didn't extend all the way through the backroom but stopped about ten feet in. Buford and Ken were stationed at the end of the rollers and I was assigned further into the backroom. Looking back I should have been able to figure out what was about to happen. Two guys unloading a truck and throwing the boxes to one guy, and a little guy at that, was not going to work out well. Two minutes into the operation I figured out what was up but I refused to give in. I kept up with their best efforts to wear me down and I know it was only by the power of the pulsating hate mentioned above. I was feeding off of it and feeling no pain. By the time the truck was empty, all three of us were covered in sweat, stretched out on the floor, and trying to catch our breath. I felt good. I had burned off a lot of nasty energy. They were mad. Their idea of a good time had backfired on them. Finally, after Buford was able to talk he growled, "Mihills, get out there and get us some of that spray deodorant off the shelf and bring it to us." I went out there thinking I would get some Old Spice maybe, or something even better if I could find it but then.......then my world of reparations opened wide up! I grabbed the spray can and went back to where they were still resting. I tossed them the deodorant and Buford grabbed it mid-air, opened it up and sprayed it all over himself. Then he tossed it to Ken who politely only sprayed it on his underarms. Then wonder of wonder, Ken asked if I wanted to use any of it. I told him I was okay. About that time Buford figured out what I had brought them. Feminine Hygiene Deodorant!!! Buford actually laughed. Ken made me a promise. He told me I would pay dearly for my little trick.
One Saturday after hauling groceries out to a candy apple red Pontiac Catalina I was walking back in with a big smile on my face. The lady in the Catalina had been trying to convince me I needed to ask her daughter out on a date. I had never met her daughter but I imagined if mom had to drum up dates for her there might be a problem or two. Anyway, I was still wearing the smile when I heard someone ask me, "What are you so happy about?". It was a friendly question and I recognized the voice. It was Francine. She was standing at the register with her mom waiting for Ken to finish ringing up her groceries. I finished up sacking for them and was all happy and all....you know, wagging tail, jumping up and down...stuff like that. Ken picked up that this was the girl I was crazy about so he asked me, right in front of Francine and her mom, if she was my girlfriend. I didn't know what to say so I resorted to my fallback response of turning brilliant red and saying nothing. No one answered Ken's question so he answered it himself with, a sing-song, "Oh she is! Mihills has a girlfriend!" I carried their groceries out to the parking lot....to the little light blue Ford, and yes, there was a 12 pack of Pepsi's on the cart. I was very careful with those Pepsi's. When I got back inside the store Ken was waiting for me. He said, "Wow, you've got yourself a pretty girlfriend. Guess what. I'm going to take her away from you." I told him I didn't own her so he couldn't take her away from me. We were just good friends. He persisted, "No, Mihills, I can tell. You're crazy about that girl and that's why I'm going to take her away from you. Do you know why? Because of the deodorant thing, that's why." He took Francine out on a date a week later. Barbie Ken was a jerk.
Both Buford (wonder of wonders) and Ken graduated from high school a few months later and went their separate ways. Better jobs, higher wages, draft board....that sort of thing. Anyway, life at Foodway got much better for me and all of us junior guys....because we weren't the junior guys any more. We were top dogs! We were going to get to make life miserable for a whole herd of new nerds coming in. The thing is, the guys I sacked groceries with and I were just too nice to do that to anyone. Foodway was about to enjoy some good times. Tune in next week for the final episode to see what, if anything happened with good old Francine and hear the amazing tale of theft at the store and hair-raising chase scene....I can't wait!!!
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