Some days it's hard to find anything humorous going on in the world. I can typically take a mundane situation and find something funny about it....like when Ted Cruz was in the middle of his speech when the 'booing' started. We know what he was saying but what was he thinking? Maybe his thoughts were "Well, that was stupid. How am I gonna dig myself out of this one? Sure wish I had gone potty before getting on stage." We don't know. It could have been what he was thinking.
I try to not get all stressed and out of shape when things go wrong. You have to visit the valleys in order to really appreciate and enjoy the mountains. With the news broadcasts daily showering us with "Republican this" and "Democrat that", it's easy to let yourself get caught up in the drama. You need to do the best you can, pray for wisdom, and vote for your candidate of choice. Try to not lock yourself into a party vote but support the best candidate. Well, enough about politics. I promised myself when I started this blog I wouldn't use it for political purposes. A person has to really work at finding the humor in politics....and I'm just too lazy to look for it.
Now it's easy to find funny stuff in religion. Sometimes the humor is subtle. Sometimes it slaps you right up the side of the head. I'm not talking about doctrine. I would need to start another blog to tell you about my faith...and I'm thinking about doing that. But this platform is for humor. What could be funnier than church stories?
When I was about eight and my brother Glenn was six we always looked forward to visits from our cousins, Jamie and Donnie. These two guys were the funniest people I had ever known. I could write a really long story about "Jamie-isms" but I'll do that later. What we enjoyed most was their combined ability to remember every joke they had ever heard....and they were always happy to pass them on to us. Generally after we were sent to bed for the night the show would start. Glenn and I laughed so hard we were constantly getting into trouble and told to "GO TO SLEEP IN THERE!"
One Sunday morning we had a hard time getting up and ready for church. We were so tired from laughing into the wee hours of the morning. I asked Donnie to please not tell me anymore jokes until after church. He just grinned. When we got there I asked him again to please not tell any jokes during church. His comment to me was, "Rusty, what kind of sinner do you think I am to be telling jokes during church?" He said this with such a weird look on his face that I started laughing. We made it okay during the song service but as soon as our preacher, Joe R. got up to preach Donnie leaned over and whispered, "Hey, I got a joke for you." Now, let me explain the situation. For some really stupid reason Jamie, Donnie, Glenn, and I were on the front row right in front of the preacher. Joe R. was a "hell and brimstone" speaker and really got into his talk. My uncle Frog had been coaxed to church by my mom that morning and was sitting behind us....and Donnie decided to tell me a joke.
I begged Donnie to not tell me a joke during church. He told me it was okay because it was a "religious" joke. That alone started my uncontrolled giggling...you know what I'm talking about. It was one of those "hey I'm in church and shouldn't be laughing" giggles that just won't stop even if you hold your breath. Anyway, the giggles were full blown, which got Glenn giggling and Jamie and Donnie smiling like Cheshire cats. About that time preacher Joe slammed his hand down on the pulpit and told the crowd they needed to repent or face the fiery lake of hell. Full blown laughing erupted from my throat. I was embarrassed, Glenn was turning red holding his breath, Donnie was laughing, and (unknown to me at the time) my mom was....seething...yeah, that sounds like the right description. I got it stopped finally and took a deep breath. Preacher Joe had given me several serious looks before I got the laughter under control. I figured he was sending me to that fiery hell in his mind. Okay, it gets worse.....
As soon as I stopped laughing Donnie leaned back in and TOLD ME THE JOKE!!!! I won't tell it now but it involved an old time preacher, a kid, candles, and matches. It was already funny and he hadn't even got to the punchline! When he did get to the punchline, which was a sing-song "And the rats pee'ed on the matches", I completely lost it. I held my breath but the laughter came out my sealed lips in the form of spit. My shoulders were bouncing and I was doing everything I could to keep from doing my own peeing. Glenn was turning red and holding himself (you know where and why). Jamie and Donnie were sitting there piously listening to the sermon.
After church, but just before my mom grabbed me by the ear and dragged me out of the building, my uncle Frog told me, "You boys embarrassed me so much I doubt I'll ever be able to go to church again". As far as I know he didn't...sorry uncle Frog...but if you had heard the joke you would have laughed too.
Monday, July 25, 2016
Monday, July 18, 2016
Tongue in cheek...
First of all, thanks for my three new followers!!! I hope you don't regret signing on after you read this entry. It's just a thought I had while driving through the...uh....more affluent area of town to my north. I have to go through this part of town regularly because I live just along the border between poor people like me and rich people like the homeowners in the above-mentioned neighborhood. I am not a resident and therefore have no member handbook on how to behave in this exclusive area of town. After living here for many years and because I have to make more and more trips into this Promised Land, I have finally figured out all the rules for getting along where I'm not welcome and certainly not wanted. If you will follow these strict, yet simple rules you will be able to maneuver through the area without drawing undo attention to yourself.
Rules:
1. All pickup drivers are idiots. Avoid them when possible. Snub them when you must.
2. All vehicles must be spotlessly clean, even in inclement weather.
3. Larger vehicles have the right of way unless said vehicle is less valuable than a Lexus.
4. Lexus drivers always have the right of way. (Special note here: Most BMW drivers incorrectly assume a higher ranking in the order of things. Mind your manners BMW owners or you will be asked to upgrade to something nice.)
5. Drive slowly through all neighborhoods. This is not for the safety of our children. They are too special to play outside. Drive slowly so we can stare at you and make you aware of your lower station.
6. Stay away from neighborhoods unless you have been invited by a resident. This is not a difficult rule to follow because all neighborhoods are gated and guarded by retired Navy Seals, none of which can afford to actually live here.
7. If you are invited to visit our town, have the courtesy to at least rent an acceptable vehicle for the trip. It has been reported that an outsider actually drove a twenty year old pickup, with dents AND rust through our neighborhood. The police have been informed and an APB is out.
8. Four way stop signs are mere suggestions for the residents. Be aware and proceed with extreme caution. BMW drivers won't see you.
9. Roundabouts were designed for the residents. They are not for the outsiders enjoyment. Find alternate routes or else you will be stared at with animosity by all Lexus drivers having to wait for you. BMW drivers won't see you.
10. If you try to go through the neighborhood in an American made vehicle, it absolutely must be the largest box ever designed for the road. Any American vehicle other than this is an obvious sign of outsider wannabees.
I hope these rules help you along the way. I also hope no one has been offended. If you have, I apologize and promise to keep my pickup on the poor side of town.
Rules:
1. All pickup drivers are idiots. Avoid them when possible. Snub them when you must.
2. All vehicles must be spotlessly clean, even in inclement weather.
3. Larger vehicles have the right of way unless said vehicle is less valuable than a Lexus.
4. Lexus drivers always have the right of way. (Special note here: Most BMW drivers incorrectly assume a higher ranking in the order of things. Mind your manners BMW owners or you will be asked to upgrade to something nice.)
5. Drive slowly through all neighborhoods. This is not for the safety of our children. They are too special to play outside. Drive slowly so we can stare at you and make you aware of your lower station.
6. Stay away from neighborhoods unless you have been invited by a resident. This is not a difficult rule to follow because all neighborhoods are gated and guarded by retired Navy Seals, none of which can afford to actually live here.
7. If you are invited to visit our town, have the courtesy to at least rent an acceptable vehicle for the trip. It has been reported that an outsider actually drove a twenty year old pickup, with dents AND rust through our neighborhood. The police have been informed and an APB is out.
8. Four way stop signs are mere suggestions for the residents. Be aware and proceed with extreme caution. BMW drivers won't see you.
9. Roundabouts were designed for the residents. They are not for the outsiders enjoyment. Find alternate routes or else you will be stared at with animosity by all Lexus drivers having to wait for you. BMW drivers won't see you.
10. If you try to go through the neighborhood in an American made vehicle, it absolutely must be the largest box ever designed for the road. Any American vehicle other than this is an obvious sign of outsider wannabees.
I hope these rules help you along the way. I also hope no one has been offended. If you have, I apologize and promise to keep my pickup on the poor side of town.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Where was I?
My old computer crashed and burned a few days ago and I know all seven of my loyal readers have been sitting in eager anticipation. Well, the new computer arrived about an hour ago and I think I'm going to like it. Enough about that. Let me tell you about our last cruise.
Our son Cody planned a cruise for this summer for two of his children and himself. He wanted the kids to have a vacation and knew it wouldn't be possible with a newborn. He thought a few days with the kids in tow would give Cayce a chance to rest and bond with Claire. Andy, his oldest, was way too cool to go on a cruise with little kids so he immediately found another important opportunity. Cayce would stay home with the Little Cricket because she (Claire) was too young to go on a cruise. Cody would be taking Carter, a lovable little four year old, and Charlee, a sweet little 'girls just want to have fun' who had just turned three. Luckily for Debbie and me, Cody felt nervous about a trip alone with two toddlers so he invited us to go along. We had no expectations. We knew we were going as babysitters but who cared??!! We were going on another cruise!
We left Hurst really early on a Saturday morning and drove to Galveston. The kids were sleepy but excited. Debbie was sleepy and...well, just sleepy. Cody was anxious to get on the road and I was a grinning old man with no responsibilities other than to keep Cody from falling asleep on the way down. You may have heard the sonic boom that morning because we made it to Galveston really fast. I think it was about twenty minutes but I'm not sure. When we left Hurst it was warm and muggy. When we got to Galveston it was one hundred and forty-seven degrees with one hundred and twenty per cent humidity.
Nothing much happened on the way to Galveston so there isn't much to tell. Well, I guess I could tell how we lost Carter at a Buc-ees only to find him in the parking lot putting on a Power Ranger demonstration. Or I could tell about Charlee throwing up all over herself as we entered the Galveston city limits....how we had to burn her clothes and find a pharmacy. Or maybe I could just start the story with us getting lost in the parking lot at the pier and wandering aimlessly with seventeen bags, a tired four year old and a three year old who kept saying, "My tummy hurts" in one hundred and forty-nine degree weather. No, I think all those things would bore you so I'll start the story after boarding.
Boarding was a piece of cake. We sped through the process like pros. It didn't hurt that Charlee kept repeating over and over, "Daddy, I need poopy". We have learned that condensing five hours driving into a twenty minute trip tends to upset Charlee's tummy and gives her gas....bad gas. We just moved through the crowds so easy!!
Once aboard we tried to go to our cabins but found out we couldn't get them until 3:30. It was about noon. We found a restaurant on board to wait. Debbie and Charlee visited most of the restrooms on that deck during our wait. All false alarms. Finally we were allowed our cabins and settled in. Debbie and I unpacked, had a refreshing beverage, watched all the activity at the port from our spacious balcony, took naps, and read. Cody sat in the bathroom with Charlee. Someday she will understand the difference between "poop" and "toot". Until then, I doubt Cody will take her on another cruise.
Before we sailed everyone had to attend muster. If you haven't been on a cruise I'll explain. Muster is required by Maritime law. It is a short meeting at your assigned lifeboat to learn how to calmly gather and board your lifeboat in an emergency. In other words, it is important to know where to freak out in the event the ship begins to sink. Muster on our last cruise lasted about five minutes with much camaraderie and laughter. This muster was not like that. This muster lasted nearly an hour, most of which time we were squeezed together like cattle in one hundred and fifty degree weather....waiting. And waiting...for one moronic passenger who was hiding. He didn't want to go to muster. During this time Carter got lightheaded from being pressed into strangers'....body parts. It ain't no fun being thirty-two inches tall in a crowd. I picked him up and put him on my shoulders where he played bongos on my head for the duration. Charlee also overheated and "needed to poopy". Cody picked her up and as she arced over his head to go on his shoulders she smashed her face into a window and busted her lip. She did not keep her discomfort to herself. Passengers on all decks heard her wail. To top off the activity the ship was "dumping the diesel". I have no idea what this means but I know what it causes. Strong fumes accumulated around our heads and everyone on our deck got sick. The captain later said, "dumping the diesel during muster was probably not a good idea".
Okay, maybe the first day was a bit hectic.....hot.....gassy....but all in all we were having fun. As the ship left port all the celebrations began. There were dozens of things to do and they would have all been fun. It has been determined by many observers that Debbie and I do not have a clue how to have fun. Everyone on board was either dancing, swimming, gambling, or playing organized games and activities. I wanted to try a trivia contest but Debbie didn't so we compromised and didn't do it. Even though I bought a new swim suit for the trip there was no way I was going anywhere near any of the pools. I was too old to mix with that crowd. I have never seen so much skin in my life. As a side note here, one day Cody, Debbie, and I were strolling the decks looking around. Cody saw a gate at the top of some stairs which led to yet another pool. He climbed the stairs and walked through the gate. A moment later he came back through the gate running all the way down the stairs and muttering, "topless pool, topless pool".
We stopped at Cozumel and Progresso. Cozumel was a day long stay with the kids. We went to a resort where the kids could play on the beach or in a pool. They did both. We watched a trained seal show and shopped. It was a great day. Progresso is a fairly new port still in development. It was very interesting to see the construction of the piers and the work the people of the city are doing to turn their hometown into a popular tourist attraction. Cody checked the kids into "cruise camp" for the day so the adults could roam about freely. Debbie got an open air massage (behind a curtain) for $10. While she was doing this Cody and I wandered the city and scoped out restaurants for us to try out later in the day. Before we left Progresso's downtown area and headed back to the ship we sampled some of the many shops. Debbie and I found ourselves in a jewelry store negotiating the price on a diamond ring. It was a small band with tiny diamonds wrapped around it. The opening price was $975.00. Debbie was amazed at my bargaining skills and beamed with joy when I finally got the price down to $675.00. I said "SOLD!" and Debbie walked out with a new ring. We had it appraised at our jeweler's in Hurst. I was quite the negotiator in Mexico. I paid $675.00 for a ring worth $425.00 here. (Editor's note: Debbie swears we bought the ring in Cozumel. I am pretty certain we bought it in Progresso. It's my story....it stays in Progresso.)
We spent a good deal of the cruise on the ship while it was moving from port to port. I watched Cody win and lose....and win and lose in the casino. Debbie and I did a lot of people watching and boy oh boy did we see some sights! Cruise ships seem to lower inhibitions in people. A man I met while boarding seemed like a librarian when I met him yet I ran into him several times on board. Let's assume his name was William. Librarian William was Wild-man Willie during the cruise. We loved all the music, the on board shopping, the FOOD!!!! Most of all, we enjoyed spending time with Cody and the kids. It was a great cruise....even though Charlee finally told her daddy "I need poopy" and meant it....she had a blow out on the sofa in Cody's cabin. The next day she threw up all over my shoes while we stood in line for pizza. She finally felt good....tummy ache gone. Good times!!
Our son Cody planned a cruise for this summer for two of his children and himself. He wanted the kids to have a vacation and knew it wouldn't be possible with a newborn. He thought a few days with the kids in tow would give Cayce a chance to rest and bond with Claire. Andy, his oldest, was way too cool to go on a cruise with little kids so he immediately found another important opportunity. Cayce would stay home with the Little Cricket because she (Claire) was too young to go on a cruise. Cody would be taking Carter, a lovable little four year old, and Charlee, a sweet little 'girls just want to have fun' who had just turned three. Luckily for Debbie and me, Cody felt nervous about a trip alone with two toddlers so he invited us to go along. We had no expectations. We knew we were going as babysitters but who cared??!! We were going on another cruise!
We left Hurst really early on a Saturday morning and drove to Galveston. The kids were sleepy but excited. Debbie was sleepy and...well, just sleepy. Cody was anxious to get on the road and I was a grinning old man with no responsibilities other than to keep Cody from falling asleep on the way down. You may have heard the sonic boom that morning because we made it to Galveston really fast. I think it was about twenty minutes but I'm not sure. When we left Hurst it was warm and muggy. When we got to Galveston it was one hundred and forty-seven degrees with one hundred and twenty per cent humidity.
Nothing much happened on the way to Galveston so there isn't much to tell. Well, I guess I could tell how we lost Carter at a Buc-ees only to find him in the parking lot putting on a Power Ranger demonstration. Or I could tell about Charlee throwing up all over herself as we entered the Galveston city limits....how we had to burn her clothes and find a pharmacy. Or maybe I could just start the story with us getting lost in the parking lot at the pier and wandering aimlessly with seventeen bags, a tired four year old and a three year old who kept saying, "My tummy hurts" in one hundred and forty-nine degree weather. No, I think all those things would bore you so I'll start the story after boarding.
Boarding was a piece of cake. We sped through the process like pros. It didn't hurt that Charlee kept repeating over and over, "Daddy, I need poopy". We have learned that condensing five hours driving into a twenty minute trip tends to upset Charlee's tummy and gives her gas....bad gas. We just moved through the crowds so easy!!
Once aboard we tried to go to our cabins but found out we couldn't get them until 3:30. It was about noon. We found a restaurant on board to wait. Debbie and Charlee visited most of the restrooms on that deck during our wait. All false alarms. Finally we were allowed our cabins and settled in. Debbie and I unpacked, had a refreshing beverage, watched all the activity at the port from our spacious balcony, took naps, and read. Cody sat in the bathroom with Charlee. Someday she will understand the difference between "poop" and "toot". Until then, I doubt Cody will take her on another cruise.
Before we sailed everyone had to attend muster. If you haven't been on a cruise I'll explain. Muster is required by Maritime law. It is a short meeting at your assigned lifeboat to learn how to calmly gather and board your lifeboat in an emergency. In other words, it is important to know where to freak out in the event the ship begins to sink. Muster on our last cruise lasted about five minutes with much camaraderie and laughter. This muster was not like that. This muster lasted nearly an hour, most of which time we were squeezed together like cattle in one hundred and fifty degree weather....waiting. And waiting...for one moronic passenger who was hiding. He didn't want to go to muster. During this time Carter got lightheaded from being pressed into strangers'....body parts. It ain't no fun being thirty-two inches tall in a crowd. I picked him up and put him on my shoulders where he played bongos on my head for the duration. Charlee also overheated and "needed to poopy". Cody picked her up and as she arced over his head to go on his shoulders she smashed her face into a window and busted her lip. She did not keep her discomfort to herself. Passengers on all decks heard her wail. To top off the activity the ship was "dumping the diesel". I have no idea what this means but I know what it causes. Strong fumes accumulated around our heads and everyone on our deck got sick. The captain later said, "dumping the diesel during muster was probably not a good idea".
Okay, maybe the first day was a bit hectic.....hot.....gassy....but all in all we were having fun. As the ship left port all the celebrations began. There were dozens of things to do and they would have all been fun. It has been determined by many observers that Debbie and I do not have a clue how to have fun. Everyone on board was either dancing, swimming, gambling, or playing organized games and activities. I wanted to try a trivia contest but Debbie didn't so we compromised and didn't do it. Even though I bought a new swim suit for the trip there was no way I was going anywhere near any of the pools. I was too old to mix with that crowd. I have never seen so much skin in my life. As a side note here, one day Cody, Debbie, and I were strolling the decks looking around. Cody saw a gate at the top of some stairs which led to yet another pool. He climbed the stairs and walked through the gate. A moment later he came back through the gate running all the way down the stairs and muttering, "topless pool, topless pool".
We stopped at Cozumel and Progresso. Cozumel was a day long stay with the kids. We went to a resort where the kids could play on the beach or in a pool. They did both. We watched a trained seal show and shopped. It was a great day. Progresso is a fairly new port still in development. It was very interesting to see the construction of the piers and the work the people of the city are doing to turn their hometown into a popular tourist attraction. Cody checked the kids into "cruise camp" for the day so the adults could roam about freely. Debbie got an open air massage (behind a curtain) for $10. While she was doing this Cody and I wandered the city and scoped out restaurants for us to try out later in the day. Before we left Progresso's downtown area and headed back to the ship we sampled some of the many shops. Debbie and I found ourselves in a jewelry store negotiating the price on a diamond ring. It was a small band with tiny diamonds wrapped around it. The opening price was $975.00. Debbie was amazed at my bargaining skills and beamed with joy when I finally got the price down to $675.00. I said "SOLD!" and Debbie walked out with a new ring. We had it appraised at our jeweler's in Hurst. I was quite the negotiator in Mexico. I paid $675.00 for a ring worth $425.00 here. (Editor's note: Debbie swears we bought the ring in Cozumel. I am pretty certain we bought it in Progresso. It's my story....it stays in Progresso.)
We spent a good deal of the cruise on the ship while it was moving from port to port. I watched Cody win and lose....and win and lose in the casino. Debbie and I did a lot of people watching and boy oh boy did we see some sights! Cruise ships seem to lower inhibitions in people. A man I met while boarding seemed like a librarian when I met him yet I ran into him several times on board. Let's assume his name was William. Librarian William was Wild-man Willie during the cruise. We loved all the music, the on board shopping, the FOOD!!!! Most of all, we enjoyed spending time with Cody and the kids. It was a great cruise....even though Charlee finally told her daddy "I need poopy" and meant it....she had a blow out on the sofa in Cody's cabin. The next day she threw up all over my shoes while we stood in line for pizza. She finally felt good....tummy ache gone. Good times!!
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
STUPID COMPUTER!!!!!
I have been typing for quite some time this morning. I had written a fascinating summary of our second cruise for the summer. It was really good....I mean it was REALLY good!! I laughed, I cried, I enjoyed the trip all over again and then....THIS COMPUTER, YES THIS ONE RIGHT HERE, DELETED THE WHOLE THING!!!!! I'm not giving up. I WILL continue to write. But I will never write with this cantankerous piece of worn out machinery again...never...that's it!
Please be patient and watch for my next post to the blog. It may take a few days but I need to go shopping for a new computer. Wish me luck!
Papa
Please be patient and watch for my next post to the blog. It may take a few days but I need to go shopping for a new computer. Wish me luck!
Papa
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Been Cruisin' Grand Finale
Let's pretend today is yesterday. Now let's pretend I didn't forget to post yesterday's post. Let's pretend I didn't take a long nap instead. Okay, I feel better now.
If you'll remember, our four travelers have left the hotel and headed for new adventures aboard the Explorer of the Seas. We enjoyed our short stay in Seattle. Debbie even got to use a gift card she had been saving for a Seattle Starbucks. She and Nancy wandered into one of the seven thousand Starbucks shops to order coffee. Debbie ordered a caramel, cinnamon, deluxe, super-duper Frappuccino and handed over her card. Nancy ordered next and decided on the same thing. Debbie was feeling generous so she handed her gift card to Nancy and said, "hey, this is on me." There was twelve cents left on the card. Okay, back to the cruise.
After an hour and a half working our way through lines we were finally able to board the ship. Here we were told our rooms wouldn't be available until 3:30 in the afternoon. It was suggested we walk around the ship or get a bite to eat at one of the many restaurants. We decided to try the Windjammer restaurant at the top of the ship. Lugging our carry-on luggage behind us, we found a bank of elevators and squeezed into one of the cars. We soon discovered everyone who had boarded ahead of us were doing the same thing. Windjammer is a buffet style, all you can eat eatery. Evidently the mindset on this first day is to see just how much a person can eat on the first day of a cruise.
We finally found an empty table and left Debbie with all the luggage while we worked our way through the various feeding frenzies. The experience wasn't at all what we expected for a classy cruise. It was more what one might expect on a college campus 'free food' day. After we polished off our 'light meal' we asked an attendant if there might be a place we could leave our luggage for a few hours. He politely recommended we leave them in our rooms. It seems our rooms had been ready for us before we boarded.
As I mentioned in the first part of this story, our rooms were very nice. 'Plush' is the word that comes to my mind. Of course my mind had conjured up an image of a steel tank with a bunk bed. After enduring muster, which is a mandatory meeting of all passengers aside their pre-assigned life boats in order to scare the bejeebers out of us, we were free to "start the party". We were all tired so we went to our rooms for a nice long nap. Party on dudes!
We decided we would avoid Windjammers and try out one of the classy restaurants for dinner. We were assigned to a table next to the windows, in a corner with two very efficient and pleasant attendants. Carlito introduced himself as our headwaiter who would be assisted by Rommel. He took our drink orders and was pleased when Nancy ordered a bottle of semi-expensive wine for herself and Mike. Debbie and I ordered iced tea which immediately told Carlito we were the lesser half of the group. Moments later Rommel arrived at our table and introduced himself as our headwaiter assisted by Carlito. Rommel read off the chef's recommendations and left us to decide. We decided the chef was either sadistic or insane. We chose our meals from the menu. Carlito brought us an assortment of breads while we waited for our meals. When time came for dessert Rommel brought out dessert menus. We each ordered something different with plans to share. When the desserts arrived I made the mistake of saying, "Oh man, I wish I had ordered that". Rommel took off and returned with a second dessert for me. A classy guy would have chuckled and said, "Ah, thanks Rommel but I don't really need a second dessert". I said, "Wow, thanks Rommel! Can we do this every night?".
Nancy had to sign a tab for the wine she ordered for dinner that first night. She felt she had been given great service from Carlito so she added 20% gratuity before handing it back. She didn't realize the cruise policy is to automatically add 18% gratuity to any purchase made on the ship. Carlito was thrilled with his 38% tip and gave Nancy especially good service the entire week. In fact, he appeared to be so fond of Nancy we considered trying a new restaurant out before the week was over.
One more mention of food on the cruise then I'll move on. I went to the Windjammer early one morning to get a coffee. I found the frenzy to be over and folks were acting human again. I sat at a table by myself and watched people come and go. An elderly woman walked up to the table next to mine with her little granddaughter in tow. She told the girl to sit and wait while she went through the line for their breakfast. She asked if the little one had any special requests. The girl said she wanted bisgetti and milk. As her grandmother rolled her eyes and walked away the girl held up a finger and yelled, "Make that chocolate milk". I don't know...I just found that to be humorous
Our first stop on the cruise was Juneau. A lovely city with lots of charm. We were scheduled for a whale watching tour so we didn't get to see much of the city. What we saw made me want to move to Alaska. Debbie said no. The tour into the fjord was cold and choppy. I prided myself on being the only member of the group not needing a motion sickness pill. I hope to add a couple of photos here to show at least one of the many humpback and orca whales we saw. I doubt I will be able to because I am naturally incompetent and lose most photos I try to post.
We were thrilled to see so much beauty around us and experience whales closer than we expected. The guide told us we were lucky too to see humpbacks and orcas swimming together since orcas normally eat humpbacks. I think we would have been darned lucky to have seen that. The whale watching was probably the highlight of the trip for me.
Our second stop was Skagway. This little town had more jewelry stores than I've ever seen on one street. It seems the tourists who arrive for three months out of the year really like jewelry. We took a tour to the top of a summit, the name lost in my defunct memory bank. The tour guide was funny and filled us with more history and stories than we could possibly remember. The highlight of this tour was the bear that came right up to the road. The guide stopped the van about twenty feet away so we could get pictures. As we were parked there a car pulled up and a woman jumped out and ran toward the bear to get a close up. We heard the guide whisper to himself, "here's your lunch!" Luckily for the woman her fast approach startled the bear and he ran off. I loved Skagway and the people living there. It was a really laid back town. I told Debbie I could live there. She said no.
Our last stop was Victoria, British Columbia. This is without a doubt the most beautiful city I've ever seen. We took a tour of the city and fell in love. It is so clean and remarkable we were spellbound. Debbie took pictures nonstop until her battery finally gave out. Pictures couldn't possibly do justice to the beauty of this city anyway. Victoria is situated in a "rain forest" range. Because of its location anything will grow there. The temperatures year round are between 58-78 degrees. We enjoyed high tea at the historical Empress hotel while watching people stroll the streets. I told Debbie I could easily live there. She said she thought she could too if we could convince our sons to move the grandkids up.
I know I've gone on too long about this trip. You may be thinking, "Good grief, I hope he never goes on a European river tour". If I do I promise I won't go on and on about it. This trip was special because it was on Debbie's bucket list and because I dreaded it for so long. I was so impressed by it all that I felt the need to share. We are going to the Caribbean next week. I promise I won't tell you anything about it.
If you'll remember, our four travelers have left the hotel and headed for new adventures aboard the Explorer of the Seas. We enjoyed our short stay in Seattle. Debbie even got to use a gift card she had been saving for a Seattle Starbucks. She and Nancy wandered into one of the seven thousand Starbucks shops to order coffee. Debbie ordered a caramel, cinnamon, deluxe, super-duper Frappuccino and handed over her card. Nancy ordered next and decided on the same thing. Debbie was feeling generous so she handed her gift card to Nancy and said, "hey, this is on me." There was twelve cents left on the card. Okay, back to the cruise.
After an hour and a half working our way through lines we were finally able to board the ship. Here we were told our rooms wouldn't be available until 3:30 in the afternoon. It was suggested we walk around the ship or get a bite to eat at one of the many restaurants. We decided to try the Windjammer restaurant at the top of the ship. Lugging our carry-on luggage behind us, we found a bank of elevators and squeezed into one of the cars. We soon discovered everyone who had boarded ahead of us were doing the same thing. Windjammer is a buffet style, all you can eat eatery. Evidently the mindset on this first day is to see just how much a person can eat on the first day of a cruise.
We finally found an empty table and left Debbie with all the luggage while we worked our way through the various feeding frenzies. The experience wasn't at all what we expected for a classy cruise. It was more what one might expect on a college campus 'free food' day. After we polished off our 'light meal' we asked an attendant if there might be a place we could leave our luggage for a few hours. He politely recommended we leave them in our rooms. It seems our rooms had been ready for us before we boarded.
As I mentioned in the first part of this story, our rooms were very nice. 'Plush' is the word that comes to my mind. Of course my mind had conjured up an image of a steel tank with a bunk bed. After enduring muster, which is a mandatory meeting of all passengers aside their pre-assigned life boats in order to scare the bejeebers out of us, we were free to "start the party". We were all tired so we went to our rooms for a nice long nap. Party on dudes!
We decided we would avoid Windjammers and try out one of the classy restaurants for dinner. We were assigned to a table next to the windows, in a corner with two very efficient and pleasant attendants. Carlito introduced himself as our headwaiter who would be assisted by Rommel. He took our drink orders and was pleased when Nancy ordered a bottle of semi-expensive wine for herself and Mike. Debbie and I ordered iced tea which immediately told Carlito we were the lesser half of the group. Moments later Rommel arrived at our table and introduced himself as our headwaiter assisted by Carlito. Rommel read off the chef's recommendations and left us to decide. We decided the chef was either sadistic or insane. We chose our meals from the menu. Carlito brought us an assortment of breads while we waited for our meals. When time came for dessert Rommel brought out dessert menus. We each ordered something different with plans to share. When the desserts arrived I made the mistake of saying, "Oh man, I wish I had ordered that". Rommel took off and returned with a second dessert for me. A classy guy would have chuckled and said, "Ah, thanks Rommel but I don't really need a second dessert". I said, "Wow, thanks Rommel! Can we do this every night?".
Nancy had to sign a tab for the wine she ordered for dinner that first night. She felt she had been given great service from Carlito so she added 20% gratuity before handing it back. She didn't realize the cruise policy is to automatically add 18% gratuity to any purchase made on the ship. Carlito was thrilled with his 38% tip and gave Nancy especially good service the entire week. In fact, he appeared to be so fond of Nancy we considered trying a new restaurant out before the week was over.
One more mention of food on the cruise then I'll move on. I went to the Windjammer early one morning to get a coffee. I found the frenzy to be over and folks were acting human again. I sat at a table by myself and watched people come and go. An elderly woman walked up to the table next to mine with her little granddaughter in tow. She told the girl to sit and wait while she went through the line for their breakfast. She asked if the little one had any special requests. The girl said she wanted bisgetti and milk. As her grandmother rolled her eyes and walked away the girl held up a finger and yelled, "Make that chocolate milk". I don't know...I just found that to be humorous
Our first stop on the cruise was Juneau. A lovely city with lots of charm. We were scheduled for a whale watching tour so we didn't get to see much of the city. What we saw made me want to move to Alaska. Debbie said no. The tour into the fjord was cold and choppy. I prided myself on being the only member of the group not needing a motion sickness pill. I hope to add a couple of photos here to show at least one of the many humpback and orca whales we saw. I doubt I will be able to because I am naturally incompetent and lose most photos I try to post.
We were thrilled to see so much beauty around us and experience whales closer than we expected. The guide told us we were lucky too to see humpbacks and orcas swimming together since orcas normally eat humpbacks. I think we would have been darned lucky to have seen that. The whale watching was probably the highlight of the trip for me.
Our second stop was Skagway. This little town had more jewelry stores than I've ever seen on one street. It seems the tourists who arrive for three months out of the year really like jewelry. We took a tour to the top of a summit, the name lost in my defunct memory bank. The tour guide was funny and filled us with more history and stories than we could possibly remember. The highlight of this tour was the bear that came right up to the road. The guide stopped the van about twenty feet away so we could get pictures. As we were parked there a car pulled up and a woman jumped out and ran toward the bear to get a close up. We heard the guide whisper to himself, "here's your lunch!" Luckily for the woman her fast approach startled the bear and he ran off. I loved Skagway and the people living there. It was a really laid back town. I told Debbie I could live there. She said no.
Our last stop was Victoria, British Columbia. This is without a doubt the most beautiful city I've ever seen. We took a tour of the city and fell in love. It is so clean and remarkable we were spellbound. Debbie took pictures nonstop until her battery finally gave out. Pictures couldn't possibly do justice to the beauty of this city anyway. Victoria is situated in a "rain forest" range. Because of its location anything will grow there. The temperatures year round are between 58-78 degrees. We enjoyed high tea at the historical Empress hotel while watching people stroll the streets. I told Debbie I could easily live there. She said she thought she could too if we could convince our sons to move the grandkids up.
I know I've gone on too long about this trip. You may be thinking, "Good grief, I hope he never goes on a European river tour". If I do I promise I won't go on and on about it. This trip was special because it was on Debbie's bucket list and because I dreaded it for so long. I was so impressed by it all that I felt the need to share. We are going to the Caribbean next week. I promise I won't tell you anything about it.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Been Cruisin' Part Two
As we sailed along the coasts of Alaska and British Columbia I wondered how my meager words could describe the beauty all around us. On one occasion I was so overwhelmed by the spaciousness and awesomeness of it all that I began to tear up. Yes, it was truly that beautiful....and since I am not a man of many words and knew I couldn't do justice to what we enjoyed I was very thankful to see my wife Debbie's Facebook post this morning. She spent a good portion of last night downloading and commenting on about seventy-five photos. Had I known my wife of forty-five years was an accomplished photo journalist I would have provided her with a quality camera. What she recorded with her cell phone and tiny little pocket camera was amazing. Rather than try to describe the beauty, why don't you go to Facebook and view her photo album? It's worth the effort.
In the meantime, I will do what I do best...relate the odd, and sometimes humorous things I saw and heard during the cruise. As I said before, we had a day and night in Seattle before our ship sailed. I loved Seattle. We stayed at the Grand Hyatt in the middle of downtown. We walked everywhere. I think if I lived in downtown Seattle I would disobey my wife, doctor, and sons and go buy myself a neat little scooter to get around. Debbie wasn't in favor of wandering too far from the hotel as the day wore on so we settled on a restaurant next to the hotel. We did not know until the bill was brought that we had picked the most expensive restaurant in town. I hope to have my personal loan in place before that credit card statement arrives. As we were leaving the restaurant we asked the waiter if he could suggest a good place for breakfast the next morning. It just so happened that since his establishment was right next to the hotel, management felt it prudent to offer a breakfast buffet. Not to be offensive but to hold on to enough money to finish our trip, we asked for an alternative. He gave us a suggestion with location which we thought sounded good. Debbie and Nancy were tired and wanted to go to their rooms but Mike and I decided to walk for a while and find the little recommended café. It was two blocks away on Union Street. We walked.....and walked....and walked a little more before giving up and returning to the hotel. We thought maybe we would find Union Street and the café the next morning.
The next morning we started out from the hotel with two starving wives. They had all kinds of confidence in our ability to hunt and secure food. After walking for half an hour and passing several eateries offering the breakfast we sought, their confidence began to lag. It became apparent to all that we could not find Union Street or the neat little café we had been told about. We decided to go back to one of the earlier choices but evidently made a wrong turn. No little eateries anywhere. We eventually went to the Chamber of Commerce building because we did find it. We thought maybe they could help us out. They did. They pointed out a little snack bar down the hall that served "the best coffee in Seattle". Our quaint breakfast in Seattle consisted of premade pastries and coffee in Styrofoam cups enjoyed amid the quiet ambiance of the reception hallway of the Seattle Chamber of Commerce.
After breakfast, we were supposed to meet our shuttle at 10:30 at the taxi area in front of the hotel. We were there early. The shuttle wasn't. We waited a good while inside and then another fair amount of time pacing the sidewalk outside the hotel. No shuttle for us. Finally a well dressed gentleman walked up to see if he could help us. Debbie explained our situation. He asked for our copy of the shuttle confirmation. Debbie, in her calm and efficient manner screamed, "WHAT CONFIRMATION?!?!!?" It seems our confirmation had been slipped under our hotel room door during the night. Debbie, in her calm and efficient manner, had noticed a piece of trash on the floor and threw it in the trashcan. Had it not been for a very understanding and courteous driver, our ride to the ship may have been fairly quiet. As a side note, as the shuttle pulled away from the hotel and made one turn we found ourselves on Union Street.
In order to keep at least a couple of readers from falling asleep I will stop here. Tomorrow I will tell a few things of interest....my interest anyway....that I saw and heard during the cruise.
In the meantime, I will do what I do best...relate the odd, and sometimes humorous things I saw and heard during the cruise. As I said before, we had a day and night in Seattle before our ship sailed. I loved Seattle. We stayed at the Grand Hyatt in the middle of downtown. We walked everywhere. I think if I lived in downtown Seattle I would disobey my wife, doctor, and sons and go buy myself a neat little scooter to get around. Debbie wasn't in favor of wandering too far from the hotel as the day wore on so we settled on a restaurant next to the hotel. We did not know until the bill was brought that we had picked the most expensive restaurant in town. I hope to have my personal loan in place before that credit card statement arrives. As we were leaving the restaurant we asked the waiter if he could suggest a good place for breakfast the next morning. It just so happened that since his establishment was right next to the hotel, management felt it prudent to offer a breakfast buffet. Not to be offensive but to hold on to enough money to finish our trip, we asked for an alternative. He gave us a suggestion with location which we thought sounded good. Debbie and Nancy were tired and wanted to go to their rooms but Mike and I decided to walk for a while and find the little recommended café. It was two blocks away on Union Street. We walked.....and walked....and walked a little more before giving up and returning to the hotel. We thought maybe we would find Union Street and the café the next morning.
The next morning we started out from the hotel with two starving wives. They had all kinds of confidence in our ability to hunt and secure food. After walking for half an hour and passing several eateries offering the breakfast we sought, their confidence began to lag. It became apparent to all that we could not find Union Street or the neat little café we had been told about. We decided to go back to one of the earlier choices but evidently made a wrong turn. No little eateries anywhere. We eventually went to the Chamber of Commerce building because we did find it. We thought maybe they could help us out. They did. They pointed out a little snack bar down the hall that served "the best coffee in Seattle". Our quaint breakfast in Seattle consisted of premade pastries and coffee in Styrofoam cups enjoyed amid the quiet ambiance of the reception hallway of the Seattle Chamber of Commerce.
After breakfast, we were supposed to meet our shuttle at 10:30 at the taxi area in front of the hotel. We were there early. The shuttle wasn't. We waited a good while inside and then another fair amount of time pacing the sidewalk outside the hotel. No shuttle for us. Finally a well dressed gentleman walked up to see if he could help us. Debbie explained our situation. He asked for our copy of the shuttle confirmation. Debbie, in her calm and efficient manner screamed, "WHAT CONFIRMATION?!?!!?" It seems our confirmation had been slipped under our hotel room door during the night. Debbie, in her calm and efficient manner, had noticed a piece of trash on the floor and threw it in the trashcan. Had it not been for a very understanding and courteous driver, our ride to the ship may have been fairly quiet. As a side note, as the shuttle pulled away from the hotel and made one turn we found ourselves on Union Street.
In order to keep at least a couple of readers from falling asleep I will stop here. Tomorrow I will tell a few things of interest....my interest anyway....that I saw and heard during the cruise.
Monday, June 13, 2016
Been Cruisin' Part One
I've lived for 65 years and never once felt the need to get in a boat, whether it be a rowboat or a huge ship. I have given in to peer pressure and gone out on ski boats with friends occasionally and actually got out on skis once. Awful experience...absolutely awful. Debbie has been pushing a cruise on me for years now and I've always been able to avoid it. After I retired though, Deb got busy and planned an Alaskan cruise for us and it finally came to fruition last week. I did not want to go and planned to make life miserable for any poor soul I encountered along the way. Everyone kept saying, "Oh, you'll love it...you'll be hooked...you'll want to go on more...". I was not convinced. Finally, Debbie called on help from my cousin Mike and his wife Nancy. They are seasoned travelers and agreed to make the trip with us. It was nice to know I would die among loved ones.
We left DFW Airport early one morning and flew in to Seattle, Washington. I had always wanted to see Seattle so I agreed to go that far. We had a wonderful day there touring the city, sampling great food and drink. We visited the Pike Marketplace and went by the original Starbucks. I say "went by" because our plan to go inside for a cup was thwarted by a line reaching halfway down the block. Our hotel was beautiful and made even better because it was a gift from our son Cody. The boy has good taste in hotels. I kind of enjoyed cruising so far....
The next morning we loaded up and headed for the pier. As we drove up I saw this mammoth ship rising from the water up to...well, I don't know where...it was absolutely huge. My first comment to Debbie was, "I'm not getting on that thing!" She laughed...I was serious. Things began happening so fast though that before I knew it I was committed. The cab pulled up, everyone piled out, bags were grabbed, taxi driver was paid, and the groundswell of people joyfully lining up to meet their doom encompassed us and away we went. By the time I found my senses I was in a long line waiting to get to another long line that led to security checks, that led to another long line that led to the ship. It was mind-numbing which I figured was necessary to get most first-timers on the ship. After a grueling hour and a half we made it to our room. I was impressed. I expected steel walls and bunk beds and maybe a little porthole to watch the ocean rise and consume us. What I found was a beautifully decorated place with king size bed, carpet, nice amenities, and a very nice balcony from which to fall into the ocean and drown.
I was still feeling uneasy about the situation until Mike and Nancy talked me into exploring the ship. I thought it would be best to sit in our rooms safely belted into our seats while the ship was actually moving but Debbie coaxed me out for the walk. I was amazed. We were in a floating city. An hour into the cruise I had forgotten I was actually in a ship. By the end of the day I was on the top deck checking out every view I could see. I wanted to soak up every minute of the experience of sailing. The wind blowing across the deck, the clouds moving about as the waves slowly moved below was more than I ever imagined. The feeling of being alone on an ocean stretching out as far as I could see in any direction left me humbled and so thankful for the opportunity to appreciate a yet unseen part of God's creation. We were one day into the cruise and I wanted it to never end.
Tomorrow's post will give more details. For now, we're home. It's hot and humid. We're asking ourselves why we continue to live in Texas. I would get back on that ship today if I could.
We left DFW Airport early one morning and flew in to Seattle, Washington. I had always wanted to see Seattle so I agreed to go that far. We had a wonderful day there touring the city, sampling great food and drink. We visited the Pike Marketplace and went by the original Starbucks. I say "went by" because our plan to go inside for a cup was thwarted by a line reaching halfway down the block. Our hotel was beautiful and made even better because it was a gift from our son Cody. The boy has good taste in hotels. I kind of enjoyed cruising so far....
The next morning we loaded up and headed for the pier. As we drove up I saw this mammoth ship rising from the water up to...well, I don't know where...it was absolutely huge. My first comment to Debbie was, "I'm not getting on that thing!" She laughed...I was serious. Things began happening so fast though that before I knew it I was committed. The cab pulled up, everyone piled out, bags were grabbed, taxi driver was paid, and the groundswell of people joyfully lining up to meet their doom encompassed us and away we went. By the time I found my senses I was in a long line waiting to get to another long line that led to security checks, that led to another long line that led to the ship. It was mind-numbing which I figured was necessary to get most first-timers on the ship. After a grueling hour and a half we made it to our room. I was impressed. I expected steel walls and bunk beds and maybe a little porthole to watch the ocean rise and consume us. What I found was a beautifully decorated place with king size bed, carpet, nice amenities, and a very nice balcony from which to fall into the ocean and drown.
I was still feeling uneasy about the situation until Mike and Nancy talked me into exploring the ship. I thought it would be best to sit in our rooms safely belted into our seats while the ship was actually moving but Debbie coaxed me out for the walk. I was amazed. We were in a floating city. An hour into the cruise I had forgotten I was actually in a ship. By the end of the day I was on the top deck checking out every view I could see. I wanted to soak up every minute of the experience of sailing. The wind blowing across the deck, the clouds moving about as the waves slowly moved below was more than I ever imagined. The feeling of being alone on an ocean stretching out as far as I could see in any direction left me humbled and so thankful for the opportunity to appreciate a yet unseen part of God's creation. We were one day into the cruise and I wanted it to never end.
Tomorrow's post will give more details. For now, we're home. It's hot and humid. We're asking ourselves why we continue to live in Texas. I would get back on that ship today if I could.
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